Unapologetically Me

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With 2015 racing toward us, I’ve been feeling retrospective lately. 2014 has been one of the biggest years of my life. It’s the year I moved from who I’ve always been to Mommy to my baby girl. I’ve discovered so much about myself in the process. Some of it has been surprising, some of it has been great, and a good chunk of it isn’t as complimentary as I would like. Who knew there still remained so much unlearned. But, I guess that’s the whole point of living —to continue to reveal; to remain in flux; to keep becoming.

I believe in the process of personal metamorphosis. My religion is evolution of self. So, on these last few days of this year, I take inventory of whom I’ve become and what I’ve learned. Retrospection is good for the soul, after all. 

I’ve learned that the grand love of my life is a tiny human being whose beaming smile is better than a thousand compliments. (And I really love compliments!)

I’ve learned who my BFF is. It’s my baby girl!

I’ve learned that I’m not ready to completely disolve into motherhood. I’m not ready to disolve at all.

I’ve learned that I can’t function without some degree of daily solitude.

I’ve learned that I couldn’t care less how everyone else does things. I might get tangled up in feeling like I need to keep up, but in the end, I always just do it my way.

I’ve learned that my mouth will never seize to get me into trouble.

I’ve learned that I have a knight in shining armor–and that it’s me.

I’ve learned that a broken heart can keep beating, even when it can’t completely heal from the pain.

I’ve learned to be comfortable with my utter lack of faith and belief.

I’ve learned that I’m gonna carry on.

I’ve learned that I can live with feeling  haggard and tired, but not with looking haggard and tired.

I’ve learned what’s on the other side of infertility.

I’ve learned that anyone can hurt you, disappoint you, and let you down. So, you better learn to rely on yourself–first, last and always.

I’ve learned to rely on myself–first, last and always.

I’ve learned that I don’t give a sh!t about what anyone thinks of me, if it means I’ll have to alter myself to please them.

I’ve learned that pain, exhaustion, frustration and desertion won’t kill me. And what doesn’t kill me makes me indestructible.

I’ve learned that I still need to learn how to say goodbye.

I’ve learned that no one will come to save me, but me.

I’ve learned that I do know how to forgive after all.

I’ve learned that fundamentally, all I really am is my father’s child and my homeland’s daughter.

I’ve learned that loneliness won’t disappear because there’s a baby to care for.

I’ve learned that a dairy free diet may be  healthy, but it makes me grouchy. Very very grouchy.

I’ve learned that I’ll be okay, no matter what.

I’ve learned that I am a damned good mom, even when I doubt myself and worry that I’m not cut out to do this.

I’ve learned that, sometimes, I’m a witch— with a B!

I’ve learned that I am unapologetically me—good, bad, caring, careless, immature, old, confused, clear-headed, wise, lost, selfish and selfless. I am colorful, honest, hard to get and tough as nails.

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And I’ve learned that I love and accept me, warts and all.

What have you learned this year?

Happy 2015.

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About Atilovesparis

I am one with many faces, states and moods. I am a liberal progressive and an old fashion romantic. I am an aspiring writer and a mother-in-waiting. I am a Francophile. I am not defined by what I do for a living, but by my goals, thoughts, ideas, hopes, views, experiences and accomplishments. I am simple and complicated. I am me...
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One Response to Unapologetically Me

  1. Denny says:

    And with all that we learn…we continue to grow and sometimes we learn that we still had it wrong. That’s what I have learned, anyhow. Your writing is beautiful, Atisa!

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