Under Construction

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Wow! I guess now I know what it means when people say: “everything about your life will change when you become a parent. ” I mean, I thought I conceptually understood that. But the concept of total change is nothing next to the reality of total change. All who preached, you may commence the eye rolling at my naivete now.
Our beautiful baby girl is five weeks old. The first month of her life has gone by so quickly and so slowly all at once. We’re older, constantly striving to be wiser, and mostly just trying to keep our heads above water these days. Sleep deprived, still healing, consumed with all the newness and that’s still to come, I’m feeling battered and bruised, at times sad, often euphoric and mostly just exhausted. It’s a heady, difficult, nerve – wracking, beautiful time. Having a baby after seven years of loss and infertility, it’s a bitter pill to swallow when I see traces of sadness, worry, anxiety and stress within me. I thought having tried so hard to find my way to my baby, I would be immune to all these completely natural feelings new mommies feel. It’s a bit of a rude awakening. But, it’s also comforting to see that I am a normal human being after all. Infertility tends to make you believe that you’re abnormal somehow. That natural conditions and emotions do not ever apply to you. To see that they do makes me feel normal after all these days.
I’m here: at the intersection of parenthood and infertility. I still look down at this tiny human in disbelief, while completely in love with her and knowing her as my child at a cellular level. It’s a jarring juxtaposition. But, every time she nozzles up against me, every time she latches on to be fed, and every time she gives me a big poopy diaper to change, I move a bit farther away from my infertile role and into the frenzy energy of my mother role. And the practical and the emotional merge a little more.
A lot of adjusting remains. I’m in awe of those mothers who seem to be on a perpetual roll, jamming along with Mommy & Me meet ups, play dates, errands and social engagements. I’m barely functional when I leave the apartment for a walk around the neighborhood. And don’t even get me started on breastfeeding in public. How in the heck…? But, perhaps one the most important goals of mine is to find that balance between being a dedicated mom and a complete and independent human being who engages and pursues personal passions and interests. I want to find time to keep writing, photographing and expressing myself creatively. I want my baby to have a mom who’s authentic and true to her personal interests as much as her most important role– that of her mommy. I want her to know that it’s her right to want it all in life.
But, this is only week five. And I’m a mom under construction. I’m a work in progress and I’ve got a lot to learn. So, blog entries might be scarce, social engagements might have to wait and neighborhood walks might be a bit rocky for a little longer. My baby and I will forge ahead, accomplishing small milestones and learning from and teaching each other how to be mommy a baby.
I can’t wait! 

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About Atilovesparis

I am one with many faces, states and moods. I am a liberal progressive and an old fashion romantic. I am an aspiring writer and a mother-in-waiting. I am a Francophile. I am not defined by what I do for a living, but by my goals, thoughts, ideas, hopes, views, experiences and accomplishments. I am simple and complicated. I am me...
This entry was posted in baby, Bébé, Create Yourself, IF, Kids, Life Lessons, Life with baby, motherhood, parenthood, TTC. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Under Construction

  1. Nessa Lomiva says:

    You’ve summed up perfectly what motherhood feels like. You shouldn’t be hard oj yourself because theory and reality are two very different things. No one can prepare you for how you’re going to feel, for the exhaustion. You don’t believe that you’re going to cry in desperation because you’ve waited for this miracle for so long. Parenting is hard; so hard that I sometimes wonder how humanity survivrd in the first place. It’s easier now, but difficulties are still there. I hope to find myself again soon… or at any time.
    Your daughter is so adorable.
    Oh, and I have that same giraffe. It was a hand-me-down from a relative, but it seems that quite a number of people in the world own it. Maybe because it’s perfect for itchy, growing teeth. 😉

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