After hoping, planning and preparing for a whole year, I find myself in the same exact place I’ve been for years: childless with no end or change in sight. After bracing myself, adjusting my point of view, meditating, clearing my life of negativity and fully committing my mind, body and soul to another IVF cycle, I open my eyes to the reality that I am still the most senior resident of the Land IF around. After celebrating the births of more babies and making unbreakable emotional bonds with more new little beings, I am confronted with the truth that I am and will remain Auntie Ati instead of Mommy Ati for the foreseeable future.
February 2012 was supposed to be my month. This year was supposed to be my year. After years of waiting, this was going to be my turn. But, alas, it seems the lucky Year of the Dragon didn’t bring me any luck and will probably not give me any little baby dragons, either.
So, it’s back to the drawing board, grieving, healing and brainstorming with my kind and supportive husband about what could have been, what is, and what could be. We don’t have much to show for the last half a decade when it comes to parenthood, but we’ve got a lot of things few people have. We have an unshakable faith in each other and in our future as loving parents to much loved children to be. We have the tenacity and perseverance of a thousand people combined. We have a boundless ocean of love and affection for the mere promise of a baby. We have focus, dedication and devotion to the goal of becoming parents. And, above all, we have hope. Some days are bad, I won’t lie. Some days are in fact almost unbearable. But, we’re not quitters, so we keep going, we keep fighting and we keep hoping.
On this last day of February of a leap year, I am reminded of all the leaps of faith that have sustained us through these years, and all the leaps of faith to come before this journey is over. On this rare day, I think of the rarity that is our love and commitment to each other and to our future children. On this extraordinary day, I think of the extraordinary measures we’re willing to take to find our way to our future family.
Leap, although you’re fearful. Leap, even when everything goes against you. Leap, even though your heart is broken. Leap, leap, leap. Always choose to leap toward and believe in your dreams and never stop.
Happy Leap Year.